I remember clearly the day I called my mom from college to announce to her that I was totally stressed out. This was a new phenomenon I had learned in college and I was anxious to tell my mom just how stressed out I was. I’m not sure what I expected her reaction to be. Maybe tell me I should take a break from college or find somebody to take care of my problems for me. Her response was anything but that, and I didn’t like it. But I learned a lot from it and appreciate the lesson to this day.
My mom was never one to try and save the damsel in distress which I guess is what I was hoping for. She did save me, but in a very different way. She asked me what it meant to be stressed out. I responded with very intelligent statements like, “Well, you know. . .like, just stressed out. To the max!” Using all that great 80’s vocabulary that was so rich. In her wisdom, she kept pressing me. She asked me what it looked like. Again, I stammered around with a lot of “You know, like. . . “ responses.
Finally I realized what she was getting at. There is no such thing as being stressed out. At least for the sake of this blog and mindset, it doesn’t exist. What I came to realize that day is we sometimes want to make stress our identity. And who wants to be known as stressed? Not me! I started to shift my thinking and looking at the situation as being stressful rather than me being stressed. This is not to say that stressful situations don’t create a physiological response in us. They most certainly do. But how we navigate that response can either increase or decrease the physiological response and either make us productive or shut down.
What I came to realize that day is we sometimes want to make stress our identity.
I recently listened to a TED talk where Kelly McGonigal talks about treating stress as our friend. Let’s face it. It’s not going anywhere. I see pictures on social media of beautiful people sitting in large fluffy beds with bright white silk sheets holding a cup of coffee in the middle of a serene setting or on the beach. Is this what no stress looks like? Because to me, although beautiful, it looks boring. Who wants to just sit in bed and drink coffee and believe this to be a stress free life? That maybe isn’t the message they are trying to portray, but that is how it comes across to me. There will always be stressful situations in our life, so how do we make stress our friend.
First, I think we stop labeling ourselves as stressed. We are not stress. Never have been, never will be. Instead, let’s look at the situation that is causing the stress and work from there. In my personal experience, I often find that when I can take a step back (or 3 or 4 steps back) from the situation and look at it from a different perspective, it usually brings the stress into perspective.
Another strategy I use is to break the situation down into things I have control over and things I don’t. How often do we hang on to things we have no control over? Sometimes we even pack them up and carry them around with us all day. Let me tell you something, these things we have no control over are heavy!!! And they rob us of our sleep! It’s no wonder we’re exhausted when we choose to hold on to them.
Next, stress results when we don’t prioritize. It’s easy when we get busy and a lot is happening at once to give everything equal value and equal attention. This leads to a feeling of being overwhelmed. But breaking it down and recognizing what’s most important, and what’s least important will put stress in its place. One of my favorite go-to questions when I’m prioritizing is “Is this a hill to die on?”
In my new career, I hold forums or listening sessions around the state on Alzheimer’s and dementia. I often leave these feeling emotionally drained and wondering how I can possibly help all these caregivers crying for help. They are exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and feel incredibly isolated and alone. It’s not until I start to unpack everything that was brought out at the forum and put it into a prioritized list that I feel I can do something for them. If I didn’t take the step, though, I would more than likely feel like a hamster spinning in a wheel and never going anywhere. This seems like such a simple thing, but it can bring things into focus and make situations palatable which allows us to create goals and intentions that are attainable.
Relationships create many connections that rewire our brain.
Lastly, relationships! We know this to be true now more than ever! Did the work and world still function while we were all isolated at home? Yes, it did. But in my mind, function is all it really did. Some things thrived, but for the most part, relationships suffered as did people’s mental health. Relationships create many connections that rewire our brain. That could be a blog all by itself, so I won’t go into that here. When we seek the company of others in a way that creates connection, our brain responds to stress and other stimuli differently. Notice I said not only seek company, but also the connection. I can go to Walmart and be around plenty of people! But without connection, there is no relationship, and the brain doesn’t respond like it does when we connect on an emotional or intellectual level with someone else. These don’t have to be long, in depth conversations. It can be an exchange that brings out a commonality with someone else. Maybe even the clerk at the store while we’re checking out. The more connections we make through the day, the healthier our mental state and the less likely we will identify as being stressed.
Some simple steps to a healthy life. Start small and see big results.
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