“Above all, be the heroine of your own life, not the victim.”
Nora Ephron
I love this quote. I try and live by this quote. At times, though, it can be so hard! Especially now. The last week or so hasn’t been easy, and I’ve gone back to this quote many times. My heroine, it would seem, has been challenged. But, it’s those times, I’ve learned, that make us stronger.
I understand these times are trying for everyone. We are clinging to the things that remind us of our “normal” life. For me, it’s always been teaching. Although my summer doesn’t involve the same kind of teaching, I still enjoy teaching yoga. It’s my outlet. It’s what I look forward to. When health clubs in my state opened back up, I was beyond excited! Finally, I got part of my “normal” life back. One week went by, then 2, then 3. . . apparently, not everyone was clinging to that normal as much as I was. So, because of small class sizes and less member participation, my yoga classes were cancelled. Okay, I can handle that. At least I thought I could. As the first week without my classes passed, I felt this lonely, empty feeling. But, I found my heroine, clung to the classes I was still teaching in other venues, started my virtual online classes, and pulled myself back up. Until. . . .
We got a letter from the school. Due to COVID rearing its ugly head in a situation at our school, the school is closed to all teachers until August 7th. Not a big deal. It’s summer. I don’t often go into the school except to chat with those working there or just pitter around in my room. But now that I CAN’T go in, it feels so different. That same lonely, empty feeling crept in. I can’t just stop by and say hi. I can’t go into my classroom and pitter. It’s off limits. My “normal” is gone. But, I found my heroine, and agreed it is for the best right now. I don’t HAVE to go in. I would like to but it’s not necessary. Once more, I found my heroine, and pulled myself back up. Until. . . .
My mom, many of you know, has dementia. She calls several times a day. I love to hear her voice. It’s the same voice I’ve known since I was a little girl. It’s the voice of my mom. But now, we have the same conversation each time, several times a day. She is forgetting where she is, which is temporary until her hip replacement heals. She is forgetting where she is going next. She often comments that she can’t wait to get back closer to me and that maybe I can come in and do yoga with her. I try and gently turn the conversation back to talking about her apartment at the assisted living facility she has been living in for a couple of years and how she will enjoy getting back there and seeing her things again. At times, there’s that lonely, empty feeling that I can’t connect with my mom like I used to. Each time this happens, I find my heroine, and think about all the wonderful conversations I have had with my mom in the past. Once more, I pull myself back up. Until. . .
My biggest diversion during COVID has been planning a trip to Costa Rica for some of my students and their parents. It’s been a bright spot. It gives me something to think about beyond COVID. The kids make me laugh. They make me smile. It gives us other things to talk about and goals to work towards. This past week, we set up our first face to face fundraising event. We were going to get to see each other in a market style garage sale, craft show, bake sale setting. Everything was in place. I spent hours making sure I had the necessary precautions and plans in place so that our health and the health of our buyers was protected. I educated the students on proper sanitation and face mask protocol during the market. We were all excited! The kids made signs, they baked goods, they made crafts. They smiled! That was the best part for me! They smiled! They were excited! It was Friday night, the night before the fundraising market. My truck was packed, as was my colleague’s and several of my students had their items ready to go. 4:59pm, I get an email from the county that they did not approve my health plan. I could not hold the event as it was with my current health plan.
My heroine absolutely faded to nothing! I wilted. It was a punch in the gut. On top of everything else that had been going on, this totally deflated me. I tried to find my heroine, and couldn’t. I tried to dig deep, and failed. I tried to see the positive, and couldn’t. Until. . . . my family pulled me up. They looked for the positive for me. My colleague pulled me up. She started problem solving right away and looking for solutions. My heroine, although very weak at first, started to revive. It was a long night. But I eventually started to feel like I could do this! We would revamp and revisit and make it work.
We did it, and it was a success!
I know it won’t be the final hurdle in all of this. But it was a good reminder for me that my heroine is there. Sometimes, though, she needs the help of others. It’s okay to ask for help. I was frustrated that I couldn’t pull myself back up, but that’s my pride talking. Pride can do good things, but sometimes it can hinder us. I had to put my pride aside, admit I needed my tribe to boost me up, and then I could be the heroine of my own life.